Down

Have you ever felt a little down in the dumps?

Right now there is a big thing, a medium thing, and a lot of little things that have me feeling down.

First, a guy I used to work with died in an accident.  I didn't know him too well, but I've known him for five years.  He's only a few years older than me.  It was a shock.  There are few people I know who I would describe as indestructible, but this guy seemed to be one of them.  I'm not in mourning because we were never really close but I am in shock.  Life seems so much more fragile now.  I have noticed I haven't been as up as I usually am.

I have a family member in an extremely stressful situation.  It's something that I can't really help resolve which frustrates me.  As a guy, I want to fix things, but all I can do right now is watch from a distance.  It is so frustrating watching my family member become so frustrated, heading for a self induced fall and not doing what it takes to make the situation better.

Work has become busier.  Longer shifts.  More awkward shifts.  Less time at home.  Less time for the little things in life I need to do.  I've missed church because of work.  I've missed youthgroup because of work.  I've missed C&C for 2 weeks because of work and now I'm going to miss tomorrow night as well.  I was supposed to help with worship.  I've been practicing all week and now I feel like something important to me is unavailable to me because of work.

My pastor just resigned.

My lawn was vandalized.

All these things seem to build on each other.  Taken bit by bit, I can deal with them.  But when they all happen at the same time I start to feel down.

Looking at what I've just written I think the common element in everything is the loss of control.  They are things that have happened beyond my control, that I want to change but can't.  And this has left me feeling kind of down.

Right now I'm sitting here wondering what to do.  Maybe nothing.  Maybe pray, I suppose.

Lord, please help.  Amen.

Busy

There has been a common thread weaving its way through many of my posts over the last 8 months or so.  Busy.  I see myself mentioning that word time and time again.  Even when I don't say that word it is definitely implied by the schedules I lay out or the infrequency of my posts.

So, I'm going to do something about it.

Entry to be continued...  (cuz I'm too busy to actually finish this up right now.)

...I'm back

In my old life I never had any extra-curriculars outside work and sometimes church (when I wasn't working).  In my new life there is work, church, C&C, worship practice for church and C&C, youth group, Sunday school and small group.  I also tend to be the grocery and gas guy as well as taking care of all the little day to day things around the house like minor repairs and bills and whatnot.  And after all that is done, I have my little side business that soaks up free time like a sponge.

The easy thing to do would be to simply cut things out of my schedule.  However I like the things I do.  To cut them out would solve my time issue but create new issues.  I suppose I can delegate a few things.  Unfortunately the person I would delegate some things to is busier than I am at the moment.  Those things will have to wait a month or so.  Next, I can pay someone to do the minor things around the house and work that I don't actually have to do.  In the battle of Time verses Money I am at a point in my life where I realize that time is more valuable.  Ok.  So far, so good.  I have been working on my efficiency in the things I need to do.  I co-ordinate my outings to get 3 or 4 things done at a time instead of staggering them throughout the day or week and losing a bunch of time for travel alone.

And I know I have time wasters in my life that I can cut back on.  The big one for me is news aggregates online.  I'm a bit of a news and political junkie and I can lose myself online for hours catching up on what is happening in the world.  So, I will limit my time online.  That will be a huge time saver (I say to myself as I blog online).  Video games used to be a huge time investment for me as well but I sold everything I had before Christmas.  That has definitely made a difference.


This is good.  I think this will help.
Any other suggestions?

Randoms

-Work has doubled night shifts on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Those are the 2 nights I want off the most.  Through trades it is possible to get earlier shifts but it will create a lot of favours I will owe people in the future.  It may come to the point where I will have to choose between Tuesdays and Thursdays.  :(

-I'm not the kind of person that finds himself missing people.  However, I'm finding myself missing people.  Is this a good thing?  I don't know what to do about it.

-I don't journal and haven't blogged as often as I used to, or want to.  Work and life are incredibly busy.  I am going to focus my time on efficiency in hopes of having more free time to do the things that help me rest and recharge.

-I would like to get a dog.  My schedule disagrees.

-I wanted to get my motorbike licence this Summer.  I'll try next year.

-I'm scheduled to start teaching Sunday School at church soon.

-I haven't made a genuine meal in a long time.  It's been all boxes, cans, and microwaves.  I want to change that.

Anniversary

One year ago today I snapped.  I couldn't take the isolation and pointlessness in my life anymore and decided to put myself online for all to see.  Today is the one year anniversary of my blog, where I introduced myself to you, and the world.

A year ago today I pledged to change my life.  This blog was part of that.  I was going to share my self with others and accept others into my life.  I was going to allow God to flow more freely through my life.  I was going to make friends.  I was going to be involved.  I was going to use the gifts and abilities I had to benefit those in my life.  I was going to find a girlfriend.  Well, 5 outta 6 ain't bad.

I can't believe it has already been one year.  I didn't think life could be different than what I knew at the time, and now I know it will never be the same as it was.  I am moving forward in all the areas I mentioned above, sans the girlfriend, and life is good.  All it took was a conscious and determined effort to bring change and receive change and brave all my insecurities and fears.  My life is so good.  It is so much better than it was one year ago today.  I am really excited.

I have to say thank you to RF who was the first person I know to start a blog.  It inspired me.  Thanks for suggesting to me that I should start my own blog (about 10 years ago.  It's better late than never).

Thank you to my brother, the psychiatrist, who told me in a very professional and doctoral way I needed to get off my butt and do what I wanted to do, despite all my fears.  I needed that push.

Thanks to AS who modeled a Christian life to me that was different than the life I knew.  It inspired me.  It made me ask what was missing in my life.  It caused me to raise the bar.

Thanks to C&C which challenged me, and continues to challenge me, in different areas of my life.  It was through C&C I met so many great people and it was because of C&C I have experienced much of my growth.

And thank You God for the unending process in my life.  I am definitely not a finished product but I know You brought me from where I was and will take me to where I am going.

Thank you everyone who reads this and leaves comments, or doesn't.

Remember, you're still under orders to hug me.

C&C Retreat and Things

Dear Diary,

The last few weeks have been intense (intensely good).  As usual, I have been busy, but I seem to be finding the time to refresh my soul during my down times.

A few weeks ago I started helping with a junior high youth group in town.  It's been good.  There's a lot of new kids to meet but I'm surviving.  I am amazed at the deep conversations we've begun about things of a spiritual nature.  I pray that I can be a suitable role model to the kids.  Tuesday nights are important to me.  Unfortunately my work schedule sometimes conflicts with my Tuesday nights, and my Thursday nights.

On Thursday I helped with worship at C&C.  That was good.  I find it amazing that I can worship God, let alone lead others in worshiping God. It's not something I take lightly. I pray that I am invisible to everyone, that others only see God, and that my heart is right as I worship.  From a technical standpoint I enjoyed playing different styles of music with other proficient musicians.

Last week I went to the Maple Noise concert.  There were 10 bands including News Boys, TFK, Manafest, and Manic Drive.  Everyone was really great.  I was glad I went.  I discovered some new music and came home with a few autographed CDs.

And this weekend was our C&C retreat.  I was a bit nervous going into it.  Over 100 people retreating for the weekend.  Unlike C&C or church or anything like that there was no way to head home and recharge after a few hours.  It took me a while to adjust.  I kinda wish we had one more day simply because it took me until Sunday to climatize.  But is was good.  I have relived the weekend in my head a few times since then, processing it all.  I am glad I went.  I know God is continuing to do work in me and this weekend allowed me to be receptive to that.  I am still a work in process and I pray that what began there this weekend will continue on in life after the retreat.  I also got to know a few new people.  I can't say I went out and introduced myself to 50 new people but I met 4 or 5 new people and got to know a few people I already knew a little better.  From the socializing aspect, it was a success for me.

Thank You for the times of growth over the last few weeks.  Thank You for opportunities that have presented themselves to me.  Thank you for the successes I have experienced. Thank you for the obstacles that I will overcome.