Saturday, May 28, 2011

Romantic Thoughts





The title is a bit of a misnomer but accurate. Here's a collection of thoughts that are somewhat related. They were triggered by my recent scheduling to accommodate a series of weddings popping up this year.

I know 2 couples that have gotten married within the last month. Two of my younger cousins are getting married this Summer and two girls (now women) from one of the youth groups I used to lead are getting married. And one of their younger sisters already got married earlier this year. It seems like most of the people I went to high school and Bible College with are married and have kids, or are on their way. Not me. Why? It feels like I missed my turn off on the road of life. What the heck?

I find it difficult to comprehend what a marriage relationship consists of. I know plenty of married couples. Some of which I'm envious and others I never want to end up like. Somehow each person found another person that decided to spend the rest of their lives with them. I suppose they fell in love. How does one go about doing that? I have no idea. I've said repeatedly that I really don't have a firm grasp on the whole idea of relationships, let alone romantic relationships. They just don't make sense to me. I do desire friendships though, I just don't quite understand how to be in one. Given the option, most of the time I like to be alone. That is not conducive to maintaining a friendship. I've been working very hard at overcoming this trait of mine the last 9 months or so and I suppose some friendships are starting to take place, slowly. So, now what? What is the difference between a romantic relationship and a regular relationship? Yes, I do know the basics, but that's not what I'm asking about. I have relationships with the people I work with, but I wouldn't call them friendships. I have relationships with my extended family members. Some I would call friends. Some I would call acquaintances, and the only reason we have that level of relationship is because we are related. Now I know I am probably going to over think this, but what is the nature of relationship? Is it a linear progression only, or does it have different subsets, each that can progress linearly, or am I completely wrong and it is more of a cloud or web nature?

A linear view would start at A and move to B, C, D and so forth.
Strangers - Acquaintances - Friends - Romantic Relationship.
I don't know if I like that view. It implies that a romantic relationship is the pinnacle of all friendships and all relationships progress in the direction.

The Subset would say there are different kinds of relationships, that don't necessarily progress from one to another but along their own linear progressions.
Relationships - Strangers (no progression)
- Acquaintances - Progressing from little known to much known between acquaintances
- Friendships - Progressing from low intimacy to higher intimacy
- Romance - Progressing from low to high emotional and physical intimacy
This type of view doesn't exclude relationships from jumping one line to another, but it doesn't take for granted that one leads to another as they develop. This would explain why it is conceivable to know someone from work for a decade and never be more than acquaintances, know someone for years and be friends, and know someone for months and get married. They are just different lines to progress along, never leading from one to another no matter how much time or progression is involved.

The cloud or web view of relationships throws all that out the window. Every type of relationship at every different level is represented and interconnected. It would be possible to jump from stranger to deep friendship to acquaintance to intimate romance and back again. I've seen some people live their lives like this. I would find it exhausting.

I think relationships are too nebulous to define.

And what about love? I love my family, but that isn't the love of a marriage relationship. I loved my pet dog. I loved the kids from up North. All different kinds of love. And none of them are the love I'm trying to figure out. What is love? I've heard of love described as three separate and distinct types. Eros, physical love. Philos, brotherly (or friendship) love. Agape, unconditional (spiritual) love. I can see that. I suppose that the "love" of a romantic relationship would be all three kinds of love. I can't really say that I've experienced that before. Which brings me back to my original question. What the heck?

Trying to understand it to experience it seems pointless. I know "in the moment" people who are not very introspective or deep who seem to have found it. They didn't bother trying to analyze it or think it through.

It's all a mystery to me for now.

I know a couple who met in grade school. They dated all through Junior and Senior High, and University before they got married.  They've now been married for almost 15 years. They have known each other and been in some sort of relationship for almost 75% of their lives, and they are only 40. I know a guy who met a girl at a wedding on the other side of the country. He flew back to see her 2 weeks later. Two weeks after that she moved across the country and moved in with him. They are now talking about getting married. All that happened in the space of 2 months. My point? I don't know. It seems as though both couples have found something they call love and they both did it very differently from each other.

And God is love. Our purpose in life is to have a relationship with God and each other. As much as I want that, I can't comprehend the enormity of all that it entails. It's mind boggling to me. The greatest commands in scripture are to love God with every fibre of our being and love our neighbour as ourselves. That blows my mind. I don't even know where to begin.


Whatever love is, it involves a choice.  There is a decision to love that must be made at some point in time.  Love doesn't simply happen to us.  We aren't the victims of our feelings or emotions or hormones.  Even when all cylinders are firing the decision to love must be made or it isn't really love at all.  And that decision involves commitment.  There is permanency to real love.  I think that's why a lot of relationships break up.  There was no decision made to love.  There was no commitment.  There was no permanency.  There was only feeling.  I'm sure that happens in all kinds of relationships, from simple friendships, to marriage and even our relationship with God.

Lord, please help me live out a life of real love.  Amen.

1 comment:

matt said...

"Whatever love is, it involves a choice. There is a decision to love that must be made at some point in time. Love doesn't simply happen to us. We aren't the victims of our feelings or emotions or hormones. Even when all cylinders are firing the decision to love must be made or it isn't really love at all."

You're definitely onto something with that bit! Love is such a nebulous word, used in so many different contexts. It seems to have much to do with the perspective we take on life.

I would affirm a distinction between relative and absolute love, the former being our love for objective 'things' while the latter being a position we take in relationship to life. Not my original thoughts but to me the distinction makes the most sense out of reality.

The goal is discovering and expressing absolute love but our experiences with relative love help us on our way.