Whitefish: A Retrospectus

Dear Diary,

The last week was great.  I went down to Montana with C&C for a snowboarding trip.  It was great.  I hurt myself the first day and hardly snowboarded at all.  I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense but it's true. I think my favorite times were spent getting to know people I had never met before, and getting to know people I knew a little bit a little bit better.  Maybe this is the silver lining, but if I was out snowboarding all the time I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get to know some of the people the way I did.

So, we bussed down on Monday.  It was a very early day.  I read a lot.  I semi-napped a little bit.  I played a game with a group of people.  I talked with people and joked around.  When we arrived we unpacked, ate out, and sat in the hot tub.  It was a good day.

On Tuesday, the weather was bad.  The visibility was so low that a group of us went out on the mountain in the morning and immediately lost each other.  Shortly afterwards I jammed my back after hitting a ridge. The funny thing is, I have been trying to go out snowboarding every weekend for the last 2 months and never hurt myself (not counting a bruised butt and ego).  A couple hours on the mountain and I was injured.  I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading and hot tubbing.

On Wednesday NH and myself decided to climb the Big Mountain.  I wanted to give my back a rest from the impact of snowboarding and thought a little snow shoeing would be an easy way to spend the day.  Wow, was I wrong.  I thought the snow shoe path up the mountain would be a nice, leisurely, zig zag to the top.  Nope.  We were climbing up blue square runs all the way to the top, and I swear there was a black diamond in there somewhere too.  Throw in a couple blizzards and a painful wind chill and that was my morning.  It was awesome.  There is such a feeling of accomplishment when you conquer a challenge like that.  People asked us later in the day if it was fun.  My answer was, "No, it wasn't fun, but it was exhilarating, exciting, and a great feeling of achievement."  I spent the rest of the day reading and then went to town with more people to go out for supper.  It was good.

Thursday I was back on the mountain... for one run.  My back hurt too much so I called it a day and went back to the hotel to read and hot tub and work on a puzzle.  I know it sounds strange but it was a really good day.  I had the opportunity to get to know a few people a little better.  It was good.  In the evening we went back to town and out for supper one last time.  It was another really fun evening.  When we got back that night we did a little... hot tubbing... and then watched a movie.  There's no better way to get to know people than by cramming 5 of them into a couch made for 3.

And then we bussed back home on Friday.  It involved more reading, talking and joking and 3 movies.  It was good.  LW and DP spent the night at my place before heading back to PA.

I did way more reading than snowboarding but I had a great time.  Relationships grew just a little more over those five days.  It was well worth it.  And the whole week ended with a hug.  It may seem strange but I've only been home for a couple days and I miss people from the trip already.

Becoming A Man

This is a fairly loaded topic.  Probably something that should be broken up into installments.
I have been thinking about this for a while.  I am trying to figure it out.  There have been two separate thoughts going on in my head that seem to be intertwining.  The story of my arrested development.  I've been mulling that over in my head since the beginning of this blog. Secondly, what is a man?

Stay tuned...

Everything

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.


For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made.


I'm feeling pretty good right now. I could probably think of a lot of reasons why I'm feeling good, and even a couple reasons why maybe I shouldn't be, but the fact remains I'm full of joy at the moment.  It's hard not to be when you are in awe of God.

When I started this blog I wrote in my About Me page that I want to say God is my everything a little more each day. I can say that God is more to me now than when I originally wrote that entry. And that's good enough reason to be happy at the moment.

My prayer is that I don't forget.

Whitefish

Dear Diary,

The last week or so has been incredibly busy.  So many commitments and long (and early) days at work and my major test.  Today is the first day in a long time that I don't have to do anything.  Of course that means now I have time to do all the things I've been putting off for the last while, like laundry, groceries, and work related reading.  Yeesh.  But it has been a good week.

I went out for "coffee" with TM and had a very interesting discussion.  TM helped me see some things from different perspectives and I always get excited when that happens.  It was appreciated.

I passed my test.  =)  It feels so good to get that out of the way.

I had my other older car fixed.  Finally.  Arg.  Hopefully some of the issues I have been having are now corrected.

I traveled about 10 000km for work.  That made for a lot of very long days, and the weather wasn't particularly cooperative either.

On Wednesday I hosted a surprise party for CK from C&C.  It was great.  I had a good time.  It was so different for me because in the 2 and a half years I have lived here I have never had more than 5 or 6 people over, ever.  On Wednesday I had 12 people over at the same time.

I was so exhausted by Thursday night I did something that surprised even me.  I did not got to C&C or Declare and Surrender.  I went home to rest.  I think that was the best decision.  I need to take care of myself. I do need some alone time to stay healthy.  It felt weird to know both events were happening that night and then decide not to go to either.  That wasn't the decision I thought I would make when I started the day but it felt right.  There were people at both events I would have liked to see, but if I don't take care of myself, I won't be any good to any others.

Tomorrow I have the privilege of helping with worship again.  I also have a bible study later in the day.

And on Monday, the biggest unknown yet, I am going to Whitefish, Montana.  I am excited and nervous all at the same time.  I can't believe I am actually doing this.  Crazy.

See you later.

Valentine's Day

Ya, it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, unless you really want to get philosophical or something.
On a side note, guess which band I'm going to see in May?

154 Days Ago

Wow, 154 days ago I started this blog.
This is entry number 106.
I didn't think I had that much to say.
As it turns out, I still have more to say.
I'm just reflecting on the journey I've been through the last 154 days.

I started writing as a way for me to be known by you.  It may sound sad but I lived my life in the shadows of the people who passed through my life.  I was not known and I did not know them.  It was a solitary life, mostly by default, not necessarily by choice.  Whatever the catalyst was, it happened about 5 months ago.  I remember being so unsatisfied with my life, or even dissatisfied with my life.  I snapped.  If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.  I had to make some changes in my life.  They were simple changes, but they were drastic changes to me.  I was so lonely.  I did what scared me most, I introduced myself to people.  I was terrified.  =D   That's so funny to me now.  I can't believe how much bondage I was in, shackled to the fear of rejection and inadequacy.  I had no choice.  God was pushing me and I was too tired to resist anymore.

I don't do anything in half measures.  I'm either 100% in or I'm out.  So I dove headlong into this whole relationship thing.  I went to a pizza supper just to get to know people at the church and it was awesome.  I actually talked to people and they talked to me.  I know how simple it sounds, but to everyone who made an effort to talk to me, or shake my hand, or sit by me, thank you so much.  You have no idea what it meant to the old me, the guy who was scared to talk to strangers, or socialize, or share.  I started attending a monthly solitude prayer retreat.  I started attending a book study our church was doing.  That opened a whole world of opportunity for me to get to know people.  I could share my thoughts and ideas with people and we would actually discuss what was happening in our lives.  It is amazing to me how much that impacted my life.   I really was sad when the book was finished.  And I was surprised I was sad.  I used to be glad when my obligations were finished because it meant I was free from the social awkwardness to which I was subjected.  This time I wanted it go on longer.  I participated in the Fall Festival our church puts on for the neighbourhood kids.  It was so great.  I met more people.  I played with kids all day long.  A fire was sparked inside me.  I was given opportunities to help with worship by playing guitar.  That part of my life had been dormant for 7 years.  The fire grew.  Then I began to seek out a community of believers that were in the same stage of life as I was.  I stumbled into the C&C group I am currently a part of.  I have been there every single week for the past 4 months.  I started attending morning prayer meetings on Fridays.  Now I've started attending times of prayer on Thursdays before C&C too.  I have searched out other times of worship like Declare and Surrender and the Saskatoon Worship Community and attended those events.  I am a part of a men's bible study and a mixed group bible study.  I am on fire.  I am maybe a little burned out actually, but I am learning to pace myself and prioritize.  I've gone out for "coffee", and played video games, and went to a film festival, and gone snowboarding with so many great people.  I've been going to parties and on Wednesday I am hosting one of my own.  Woot! Woot!  I've hung out with people, just to hang out.  I am opening myself up to people, slowly, and it has all started with this blog.  I hope you have a sense of where I have come from and where I am going and why I am so excited.  I am a different person now.  Thank God!

So, I am 154 days into my new adventure and I am just getting started.  Old things have passed away and all things are new again.  Yes, yes, yes!  This will be a great year.  I've already had more hugs in the last week than I have had in the previous year.  Thank you beautiful ladies ;)  And I don't feel that brokenness anymore.  I'm not sure how it all began or even when it seemed to end but I know I am on the other side now.  Wow!  So here I am, fresh and new, like a baby just entering the world.  Amazing.  In 8 days I'm hopping on a bus with 10 people I know and 28 that I don't, and heading to Montana to go snowboarding in the mountains.  LOL Hahahahahahahahaha.  Do you know how ridiculous that would have sounded to me 155 days ago?  I would never go on a road trip with 28 strangers.  I couldn't really say I knew 10 people well enough to go on a road trip with them either.  I had never snowboarded in my life.  And why would I go to the mountains when I could stay home and play video games?

Abundant life.  I think I'm starting to understand it just a little bit.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my happy rant.  It was good for me to reflect a little bit.

Amen

Lord, You are good.  Thank You.

I am confused, as usual, but You know that.  Lord, life is swirling around so fast I feel like I can't keep up.  At least not under my own power.  Help me.  That seems to be my prayer more often than not.  I am thankful that You have a plan for me.  Please lead me and direct me.  Show me where You want me and what You want me to do with my life.  Please help me understand.

I'm looking for something definitive.  I trust You.  My heart is yours first and foremost.  All that it is belongs to You.

Please place me where my life, my skills, my gifts and abilities are needed.
Please increase my passion.
Please increase my faith.
Please increase my ability to care.
Please show me what it means to be a friend and help me be a friend to those in need.
Please continue to surround me with friends who can support me.
Please help me be a support to others.

And God, the unsaid prayers I have in my head, please do what You need to do.
Ah, life, greater and more confusing than ever.

Thank You that this journey is just beginning, not ending.  I am excited, and nervous, and just a little fearful as your will unfolds in my life.  I am scared that your plans are not my plans, but I will take your plans over mine any day.  Please reveal your plans to me.  Please lead me.

Please help me understand what an abundant life really looks like.  Please help me receive it and live it and give it.

And God, I am hurting just a little inside right now.  You know why.  Please address this hurt.

In Jesus' name I ask all these things.

Amen.

I Will Not Be Silent

This is how I feel right now.

It just came over me.

Turn it up loud!

Another 100 Things...

You may not know about me.

1.   My middle name is Clarence
2.   I was born prematurely and almost didn't survive (for unrelated reasons).
3.   I have only been on 1 date in my life ever.
4.   Excluding family, my last kiss was in kindergarten.  It was also my first kiss.
5.   I have read the bible from cover to cover.
6.   I took a Biblical Greek class.  My final was to translate 1 John.
7.   I own a 2011 Chevy Cruze LT Turbo+.
8.   I am on a quest to be less boring.
9.   I like reading.  (#'s 8 and 9 are at war with each other)
10. I didn't learn to swim until I was 9.
11. I have 10 credit cards.
12. I like economics.  (The title of this blog is an economics term which really does refer to units of happiness.)
13. I am a part owner of 2 rental properties.
14. Procrastination is my enemy.
15. God likes me.
16. The most I have ever weighed was 192 pounds.
17. I have never failed a test in my life.
18. I won a colouring contest when I was 5.
19. The soundtrack to my year at CBC was POD and Dashboard Confessional.
20. I have never gone hunting in my life, which is surprising if you know my dad.
21. I am not a vegetarian, but would find it quite easy to be one.
22. I just bought new glasses.
23. My picture book bible is one of my favourite books ever.
24. I have raised my hands in worship.  If you know me, you know how big a deal that is.  (That one's for you, my charismatic mom.)
25. I miss my Wii.  :(
26. I want more people I know to hug me.  (Once again, if you've read this, you owe me a hug.)
27. God has changed me so much recently through ways I would never have imagined.
28. I've read the first 3 or 4 Harry Potter books but got bored.  There's no internal consistency at all.
29. I used to lie a lot when I was really young.  Sorry to everyone I lied to.
30. I still pray for people from all the youth groups I've attended or lead at various times.
31. I've prayed for things after they have happened.  If God is beyond time, why can't He answer a prayer before it is asked?
32. I'm really curious what my life will look like in 10 years.  I'm guessing it will be drastically different than now.
33. I used to say, "like," all the time.  I probably use "totally" too much now.
34. I tan really well.
35. I worked in a dental lab after I graduated.
36. I worked at a Mr. Sub when in high school.  Any shift we worked longer than 4 hours earned us a free sub =)
37. I wave my hands around like crazy when I am talking while nervous.
38. Most people mistake me for younger than I am.  Is it my dashing good looks or immaturity?
39. I don't really drink alcohol.  Not so much from conviction, but because it tastes horrible.
40. I am a jeans and T-shirt guy, but I like to dress up on occasion.
41. I'm glad messy hair is now a style.
42. I hate my grade 12 grad pic. Yuck!
43. I need to clean up my place.
44. My great grandpa made my wallet.
45. I ran into a barbed wire fence when I was 4 or 5.  It left 3 scars on my face.
46. I like making To Do lists and then crossing items off as I complete them.
47. I don't like seeing people cry.  I want to help them.  Too often I can't.
48. I can't sleep in.
49. I wish I had a sister, in addition to my brother, not instead of my brother.
50. I have one brother.
51. I don't like making my bed, but I do, sometimes.
52. When I get into the groove, I could study all day.
53. I want a dog.
54. Spiders are creepy.
55. I wouldn't mind living on a beach.
56. I like being in nature and just taking it all in.
57. I like sunsets.
58. I like praying.
59. I feel like I am growing closer to God in spurts.
60. I wonder if I can ever reach the point where I am totally abandoned to God.
61. I want to be married with a family some day.
62. I am searching for something more than I know.
63. Sometimes I think God needs to kick my butt to get me going.
64. Romans 7:15
65. I want to go into space some day.
66. Growing up I never really thought I would be able to handle more than a few friends in my life at any given time.  I am learning now that I can.
67. I am so thankful to God for the work He has done and is continuing to do in my life.
68. I want to see a live performance of Vivaldi's The Four Seasons some day.
69. I am somewhat shy but overcoming the obstacles that being shy creates.
70. I like chocolate.
71. I sacrifice sleep for other things all the time.  That's probably not good.  I'm working on it.
72. I love Jesus.
73. I continually stumble in my Christian life and continually pick myself up again.  (I am not perfect.)
74. I am an open book.  Although I may not volunteer a lot about myself in person, I will answer almost any question anyone would ask of me.  Use this knowledge wisely.
75. Dessert is my favourite meal of the day.  Yes, I said meal.
76. I like climbing trees.
77. Sunlight is amazing.
78. Dec 21st is my favourite day of the year because every day for the next 6 months has more daylight than the one before it.
79. I treat everyone with respect.
80. I've started watching Gilmore Girls.  That's our little secret.
81. Have I mentioned I find life great and confusing?
82.  I don't know how to flirt.  I wish I did.  I tried it once and was so nervous that it came across misconstrued I couldn't sleep all night long.
83. If I were a character on The Big Bang Theory I would be a cross between Leonard and Sheldon.
84. I'm not a fan of flossing but I do it anyway.
85. Speaking in public does not make me nervous.  Almost the opposite.
86. I once spent an entire Saturday morning tracking down a lost dog which I returned to his owners.  They were very happy.  They just moved to the city and thought he was lost forever.
87. I feel like praying right now.
88. I am thankful that Jesus loves me.
89. I think AH may be right.  Maybe I have put too much of me out "there" on this blog.  I apologize.
90. I am genuine.  I am me.  I don't like being phony.  What you see is what you get, mostly.
91. Sometimes, when I worship around other people I close my eyes.  It feels like it is just God and I.  I like that.
92. I don't like shaving every day.
93. I like movies.
94. I like laughing, a lot.  I wish I did it more.
95. I wish I was a better conversationalist.
96. I can be the most immature and mature person in a room in the space of seconds.  Very pendulum-y.
97. My first job was delivering newspapers.
98. I am glad that my family didn't always have money growing up.  It has made me so much more appreciative of the things and opportunities I have today.
99. As long as the sun is out and it isn't windy, I don't care how cold out it gets.
100. I like smiling.

Tag: Prayer

I am starting a new tag on the right hand side of the screen.  Prayer.

I pray a lot.  A lot more than I used to pray.  I find praying to be a real part of who I am.  I do like quiet times and alone times and I find that those times are conducive to prayer.  I've been going to the prayer time before C&C and my church's Friday morning prayer times and they have been good.  They are special times to me, even though I pray all over the place, all the time.  I've typed up some prayers on this space and I have a book where I write my thoughts on sermons, bible reading, etc... and they always seem to turn into a conversation with God, or Prayer.  So I thought I may as well add this new dimension to the blog.  I will pray online, for everyone to see.  If something strikes a chord with you, please join me.  Thank you.

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Lord, thank You that I can come to you with my thoughts and feelings.  Thank You for being with me.

Please help CC work on the stress in his life.  Help him learn to deal with the very important situations in his life in a healthy way that brings You glory and blessing to the people he heals.

Please help HF with her family situation and her aunt that is diagnosed with cancer.  Lord, I know You can heal and I ask that You heal her aunt so she is cancer free again.  I ask that You repair the broken relationships in HF's family and give her the strength to withstand the negativity that is coming her way.  Please bring people around her to support her and hug her as she goes through this tough time.  Please help HF find a job, a perfect job for her.

Please help TS with her bad dreams.  Thank You Lord for her innocence and faith to come to You and ask that You direct her dreams at night.  Please honour her request.

Thank You for CI.  He's a great guy who has poured his life into others and Your life into others as well.  Please bring him peace as he's about to become a dad.  Please continue the physical healing he is going through after his surgery.

Thank You for CS.  He is himself at all times and that offers me hope.  Please continue to meet with him as he seeks You out.  Please meet his spiritual needs.

Please help DP find a new job that exceeds all her expectations.

Please continue to heal AC.  He needs physical healing and healing within his own personal life and family life. God, sometimes I struggle to believe that the last two things will ever happen.  Please use our family to bring You to him.

Thank You for BB and his desire to serve you.  Please give him the power and support he needs to conquer the things he struggles with.  Thank You that he is a man of God giving his life to lead other men to You.

Thank You for AH.  No one has ever made me so mad and happy or tried my patience more.  It is good.  AH is always there when I need to talk.  Thank You for placing the most unlikely of people in my life.

Thank you for KS.  She has blown my mind.  She has brought me to the place where I feel accepted enough to be myself.  That is an amazing gift.  Lord, please use her mightily.  Place her in positions where she can continue to use her amazing gift and please bless her.

Thank You for CH.  CH made life in the north so much more bearable for me.  Thank you for sending CH into my life when I needed someone like that.

Lord, thank You for people like DS who are so unique they give life a different flavour.  Thank You for helping her through things she went through.  Please help her find a job, and a place she can call her own.

And thank You for AS.  Her writing is inspiring and her thoughts are amazing.  Please honour her heart for You.  Please help her with the friendship issues she is working through.  Please don't let untrue thoughts influence her situation or decisions.  And please heal her uncle.  I'm asking for a physical miracle Lord.

Thank You for RS and her ability to bring comfort to those around her.  Please answer her request to be a positive influence to the people in her life.  Please bring her a mental fortitude and peace in her daily life.  Please answer her request not to avoid people different than her but be a blessing to them.

Thank You for TM.  Another person of God.  Lord please bless her.  Thank You for the heart You have given her.  Please continue to give her strength to overcome any anxiety that may try to sneak up in her life.

Thank You for BS and JS.  (ya, I said BS)  Thank You that they truly want to serve You.  Thank You for their heart.  Please bless their family.  Please bless the ministry that they do.

Thank you for CK.  It blows me away to see a guy just starting out in life so strong in faith.  Thank You for the witness he has been to me, even if he doesn't know it.

And Lord, K.  Please heal her lord.  Please. Please.  Please.  God this is the most difficult situation I know and if I could do, or give, or sacrifice anything for this I would.  Please Lord, I ask for physical healing.  A miracle is the only thing that will help now.  Please let your presence be known and felt by K and her family.

Wow.  Thank You for all these amazing people in my life.  Lord I ask that our relationships would continue to grow and deepen and be sincere.  I ask that You would play a role in them and that they would be honouring to You.

Thank You for GS and his heart for prayer.  Lord, please continue the healing You have begun in him.  Please bless him and help him find the thing he is looking for.

Thank You for RL who took the first steps at reaching out to me.  Please help him achieve what he is working towards and remove the stresses of working under deadlines from him.  Thank You for putting such a positive person on my path.

Thank You for RF.  The man has ability to bring life wherever he goes.  Thank You for giving him that gift.  It is inspiring.  Please continue to guide and direct him as he changes people's hearts and points them to You.

Thank You for C&C.  It was so weird how I ended up here.  I don't necessarily know how great my motives originally were in seeking out a place to fit, but You have done good things.  Lord please continue to use C&C to change lives.  Help us not only focus inward as we grow in relationship and heal from our pasts, but help us focus outward as well.  Please help us welcome the outsiders and reach out beyond our walls to the world outside.  Thank You for the heart of this community of believers.  Please continue to bless the leadership and all who pass through.  Please help us make a difference in the world.

And for me God, I don't know.  Help me be the man You have made me to be.  Please remove any fear or doubt or anxiety or any other stupid thing trying to hang on to me.  Lord, I ask that I have the courage to go out and change the world within my sphere of influence.  Help me read the bible and absorb it.  Help me live with the passion and desire I have seen in others, but help me make it my own.  Thank You that the hunger I once had, and feared was gone, has returned.  Lord, please use me to accomplish your will.  Please let my life be pleasing to You.  Please call me friend.  And Lord, with all those other things in my life, I have said repeatedly that I turn them over to You.  I'm not sure if I have done that totally yet.  I don't want to abandon  my abilities to make decisions and use logic which You have given me but I don't want to try and keep You out of any area of my life either.  Help me find that balance.  And the whole girl thing...  I still don't know what to do.  I have been saying for months I will focus on You and let that situation sort itself out.  It still isn't sorted out yet Lord, but I do trust You.  And I thank You for the wise people you have put in my life to offer me guidance.

All these things Lord I ask in Jesus' name.  Amen.

Things You Learn When You Are Confused

God is good.
Money can't buy happiness.
Friends are good.
Ice cream is good.
Praying is good.
When I see someone crying I want to hug them until they stop, no matter how long it takes.
Long hot baths are good.
It is good to care for people.
It is good to be cared for by people.
I don't like small talk, just real talk.
Life is confusing.
It doesn't feel good to keep feelings bottled up inside.
Someone is always worse off than you.

That's what I've learned over the last couple weeks.  I've learned other things too, but they can't be summed up in short sentences.  There's more thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head but I don't know if I should put them out there at this time.  I have received some positive feedback about this blog from unexpected places and I really appreciate that.  I have also been told by my best friend who refuses to read my blog that I've put too much out "there".  I guess it's a balancing act.

I'm trying to figure out where to take this blog to now.  Do I just ramble on about my feelings, my thoughts, my journey, theology, politics, economics, my autobiography, or stick up a bunch of youtube videos?  My goal is to always be open, honest, and myself.  It is easier for me to do that here than in the real world at the moment but I am making progress.  This blog has helped me be myself out there and I will always appreciate what it has meant for me.  I also hope what I wrote and write elicits something positive from those that read here.

So stayed tuned...

I'm not sure what will happen here next.

I've Got To Be Unstoppable

I think this video is a pretty good metaphor for how I sometimes think the Christian life should be. You can try to figure out what I mean on your own.

Now, this blog is about to go downhill fast. Back to the thoughts from the previous post. I did not do what I said I was going to do, even when I had the opportunity to do it. Arg. I just don't know how. I'm a turtle. I met someone at a Christmas party 6 weeks ago who described herself the same way. We turtle when there is someone we like. That is to say, we go into our shell and avoid the person we like for fear that they might find out we like them. So, how do you know we like a person? We totally avoid them. Now, if that person was to guess how we feel, they would probably think we don't like them at all because we avoid them, don't talk to them when we have the opportunity to and don't seem to be as social around them as we are with other people. That's a fair assessment. And unfortunately that's exactly what I did tonight, again, just like last week. I am so frustrated with my self.

Arg. So, I'll take any advice anyone wants to give me in the comments below. Seriously, anything.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

Gulp

Ok

Here is the least thought out and most rushed post I will ever make.  That probably makes it the most honest.

I'm too busy to edit it or anything so expect a lot of errors.

I've been thinking a lot about myself and relationship lately.  Why?  Well, I've been so isolated for so long, I haven't really had any normal relationships for such a long time.  Over the last 6 months I've plunged myself into so many things and hung aroung with so many people that I think I am developing friendships.  I don't know what to do.  I know it sounds stupid but it's true.  I feel like I just got out of jail after 5 years in prison and I'm trying to figure out life on the outside.  It's strange because I see so many people with so many friends hanging out all the time and it does fascinate and confuse me a little.

I wonder how I fit in a relationship.  I am an introvert.  I like alone time.  How does someone who likes to be alone fit in a relationship?  I guess I'll figure that out.

The other thing that has been bothering me lately is a little embarrassing but whatever.  I always said I'd be 100% honest with this blog so here goes, my biggest secret.  I've been hinting at it for a while.  There is someone out there I like. I've liked her for 4 months or so and have not done anything about it.  For a couple reasons.  Most of which I've mentioned before in previous entries.  Now, I'm kinda at the point where I don't want to keep it inside anymore.  It's making me feel sad keeping it a secret.  There's a few things on my mind.  One - she won't feel the same.  That's life.  Two - she may like me, until she gets to know me and then finds out that the person she thought she liked isn't me.  Three - I may like her now but may find out she isn't the person I thought she was.  And four - We may actually like each other and click.  That's just as scary.  I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to make things awkward between us, but those seem like the only 2 inevitabilities I know.  I know it sounds stupid but I don't know how I fit in relationships or friendships and all that other stuff.  I barely talk to my best friend once every couple weeks, and I see her maybe every other month or so.  If that is the model of my best relationship, it doesn't lend itself well to these new relationships or to this possible romantic relationship.

Anyway, I've been kinda social with this person but in the last couple weeks it feels like she has slowed her communication with me.  Or maybe it's my imagination.  I don't know, but that's how I feel right now.  So there you go.  This has been something on my mind for so long.  I was kinda hoping it would fade away, but it hasn't.  I'm so confused.  I've tried to step back and just focus on God.  Now I'm trying to figure out where God is in all this.  I don't know.  But I don't want it to keep it kicking around in my head.  So, I've decided I'm going to tell her how I feel.  The end.  I don't know what to do after that.  Gulp.  I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me or my intentions or anything like that.

I seriously don't know what I am doing.  I've never had a girlfriend, in case you haven't figured that out.  i've just never really been that interested in anyone enough to persue a relationship.  (I'll have to write a disclaimer later on that.)

So, just to make a point, I don't simply want a girlfriend.  If that were the case, I could probably have a girlfriend right now if I wanted.  I want a particular person to be my girlfriend.  IF not her, then that's it, there's no one else I'm keeping on the back burner.  That's not the type of person I am.  It's not like I have a position I am interviewing people for.

So there you go.  Once again, I don't know if that person has ever read this blog so I don't want to say more than I have .  That's that.  All I want to say, is that she really is great.  Even if we don't work out, she still is great and I am excited to see how God works in her life and I know that someone somewhere will be extremely lucky some day because she will choose to be with him.  So there.  I'm done.

I'm going to tell her how I feel and rip this band aid off.  The end.

Gulp.

Maybe I shouldn't have shared this?

Gulp!

Update (Feb 7th)

Here's what I wrote Nov 23, 2010

An Amazing Person

I met an amazing person a little while ago.  I don't know much about this person.  That could be said of many people, but this person is so fascinating I'm finding myself wanting to know more.  It puts me in a place I haven't been in for some time.

This person is a woman.  I don't know if she even knows of my little corner on the internet but I want to be careful what I write, for my sake and hers.  She loves God like few people I have seen.  It is beautiful.  It is confusing.  I don't know what to do.

Relationships are my weakness, and romantic relationships are pretty much uncharted territory for me.  While I can usually socialize with new people with a little effort, every time I am around her my mind goes blank.  It frustrates me so much.

Why can't life be a romantic comedy?

I am left wondering, is this a God thing, or a me thing?  Probably a me thing.  And yet...

This is the thing I have turned over to God, cuz I have no idea how to proceed.  I am still learning how to be a friend.  I really don't think I am ready to be a boyfriend.  And yet...

So, I have decided to delight myself in the Lord.  To trust God.  To work towards becoming the person God wants me to be.  Hopefully life will fall into place.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll even publish this post, but I will keep it saved as a draft as I figure out how I feel about all this.

Why I Want To Do The Ironman

Because it's hard.
Because it's practically impossible.
Because I know I can do it.

I have a drive in me to do the impossible.  I simply don't believe that anything is really impossible.  When people say something can't be done it simply motivates me to do it.

Now, I have something called a sunken chest.  It is why I am so self conscious of my body.  It is a physical deformity that limits my ability to breathe during extremely rigorous activity.  The best way to understand it, is to just think of it as asthma, although it is different.  I never realized I had this thing until I was 11 years old or so and was trying out for the track and field meets at school.  I cleaned up in the sprints but once I got to the 400m and 800m races I found myself running out of air and throwing up.  I almost passed out a couple times.  I went home and told my parents.  That's when they informed me I had a sunken chest.  It limited most of the sports I played growing up.  Anything with consecutive fast breaks and sprinting, like soccer, would drain me so fast I'd be on the bench in 5 minutes.  It really frustrated me because no matter how hard I trained it was not something that could be changed.

After I graduated I pretty much gave up on sports.  I couldn't keep up.  I guess it was more a mental limit than a physical one by that time.  Then, a couple years ago, I ran into a guy at work who ran marathons.  It got me thinking.  I knew I had this physical limitation but I was sick and tired of letting it dominate me.  So I decided I was going to run a marathon.  There wasn't a lot of time to train and I didn't have a lot of money to travel so I picked the closest marathon, the Calgary Marathon, and trained for 3 months.  In retrospect, 3 months was probably not enough time to go from being completely inactive to marathon ready, but I did it.  In 2007 I ran the Calgary Marathon.  I came in 701st with a time of 5 hours 30 minutes.  Now, that's not a great time, but it is a time.  The kid who couldn't run an 800m race without passing out ran a marathon.  So much for impossible.

Why do I want to do the Ironman?  Because I believe I can.
3.8km swim
180km bike ride
42km run
17 hours

Maybe there's a lesson to be gleaned from all of this somewhere.  You find it.