Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Letting The Mask Slip

I know I have referred to "posts" a lot in previous entries.

Here is the last really big post in my life.

My own insecurity.

It is a left over from my previous life suffering from social anxiety.  It is hard to feel confident growing up when it seems like everything about yourself is not good enough.  Poor self esteem is the natural product of social anxiety.  I always felt like I was being judged.  I felt like I wasn't smart enough, funny enough, good looking enough, athletic enough, etc...  I know now that it was all in my head but it's hard to go through your entire childhood thinking like that and then have it magically stop once you grow up.

I still fight the feeling sometimes.  I like me.  I know God likes me.  I suspect my family likes me too.  That's usually as far as I can take it. It's so difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone who doesn't have to like me may actually like me.  It sometimes blows my mind that I have any friends at all.  I find it so hard to see what others could possibly see in me.  I find it so amazing that 2 strangers could meet and connect and fall in love and choose to spend the rest of their lives together.  I can barely comprehend what that type of relationship of love and commitment and understanding and acceptance would feel like.  I can't even imagine myself in such a relationship.  I'm not saying I have never wanted something like that, it's just I find it so hard to believe someone out there would ever want that with me.

It's really difficult to describe what it feels like to someone who's lived a relatively normal life.  Just like an abused dog that instinctively pulls away when a person raises their hand to pet it, I do the same in relationships.  My mind reflexively assumes that there is judgement or rejection around every corner.

For much of my life I've worn a mask to protect myself from the rejection I always thought would come if I put my true self out there for the world to see.  It's useless to me now.  I have an urge, a God given desire, to cultivate real relationships.  That can't be done wearing a mask.  I am not naive enough to believe that everyone will be my friend or that I can be a friend to everyone.  I'm different than most people and I know not everyone connects on the same level.  I am not looking for 100 new friends, I am looking for a few deep friendships.  I will be honest, as always, and admit I don't really know what that looks like.  I guess I'll know when I find it.  I am slowly letting the mask slip.  I am slowly looking at the world without this barrier.  I am slowly letting the world look at me without the mask as well.  That is scary.  As always, I don't know what this will all look like in the end, but I am excited to find out.

Please pray for me.  Pray that I step out from behind the mask and let myself be known and know others.  Thank you.

1 comment:

Matthew said...

Yep, definitely scary to the part of us that always wants to hide. I think most of us where these masks, we're just not all equally aware of that fact, ya know?

It sounds like your discovering some real clarity. Letting that mask down, that willingness to be vulnerable and be hurt is really uncomfortable! And yet the more we do, it seems the easier it becomes to live with that discomfort. It has taken me a long time to begin to do this, too. But soooo worthwhile!

Awesome.