Saturday, October 23, 2010

The End of the Introductions

Ok, I'm mostly ready to get on with this blog thing, and stop talking about how shy and scared I was as a kid.  But first I want to answer a few questions that you may have based on my Intro series.  If you haven't read them, this may not make sense and you may as well continue to the next post.

Ayway,

How did a guy who was scared of everything and everyone make friends?

Well, as hard as I tried, I couldn't avoid everyone all the time.  After being exposed to some people for long enough, I eventually began to realize they wouldn't judge me, and I began to open up somewhat.  The people I had been around long enough to start trusting tended to be at church / youth group or school, where some of my classmates followed me from grade to grade to grade.  I have noticed that the people I did become friends with I knew for at least a year before we ever became friends.  That seems to be the length of time it took for me to trust someone enough to let my guard down.  Even then I was still an introvert and so trusting someone did not mean we'd automatically become friends.  Despite myself, I did manage to make some friends at church and school.  And they did manage to drag me along to things like JHJ, Xtreme, and such.

Did you really never go to a school dance?

Kinda.  I went to one in grade 6.  It was a cake dance.  If you don't know what that is, it doesn't matter.  Before I continue you need to remember that someone with SAD always thinks they are being judged and rejected, whether real or perceived.  If someone actually does judge or reject a SAD sufferer, it is just confirmation of what they already think.  And, in my case, the SAD-sack will probably avoid whatever thing it was that lead to judgement or rejection in the first place.  Anyhoo, after a while all the guys started daring all the other guys to ask a girl to dance.  Somehow they managed to physically drag me over to Laurie O. and make me ask her for a dance.  She said yes, but really, we were all 11, who was going to say no.  What happened next is a bit blurry, but we went out on the gym floor and did our best impression of what I guess we thought was two people dancing.  For whatever reason, to this day, I still remember exactly how I danced.  The guys on the sideline started pointing and laughing at me, at least that's what I thought.  I doubt anyone there actually looked like they knew what they were doing but it hurt me inside.  That was my last dance, ever.

I did go to my grad thing, but being shy I never asked a girl to be my "date", I never went to the grand march, and the only reason I went to the grad party /  dance was to win door prizes.  I spent all night in the food room eating while everyone else was in the dance hall dancing and partying.  Grad was actually a depressing time for me because it highlighted to me how different I was from everyone else.  I do attend wedding receptions today but I'm never the first guy there or the last guy to leave and I still do not dance (with witnesses).

Did you really never go to camp?

All the church kids went to bible camps in the summer.  I did not.  I did not want to go.  I was terrified of all the strangers that would be there.  I did go camping several times with youth group but it was with the group I had known for many years.  Back to the camp thing.  I went to Covenant Bay Bible Camp in high school once, after my youth pastor, Cathy, pleaded with me to go because she was an organizer.  It was for an event called CYNC.  It was a precursor for everyone planning to go to CBC the next year.  This was our chance to meet our future CBCmates.  It was not a good experience for me.  You know how you go to camp and meet a lot of new people and at the end of the week everyone is friends, trading addresses, email, phone numbers, and hugging each other good-bye?  I don't.  I saw everyone else doing it and, like Jane Goodall studying the chimps, I tried to figure out this bizarre social behaviour.  I couldn't comprehend how all these strangers were now best of friends, and I was still a stranger.  Ironically, it was CYNC that convinced me I didn't want to go to CBC if these were the people with whom I would be attending.  I feel bad because after coming back from these types of things people from church would always ask me how things went.  I don't think they really wanted to know and I don't think I really wanted to tell them.  I would say, "fine," and they would say, "that's good," and we both went our separate ways. I want to end this answer by saying I was not really in a good place then and I am so thankful that my life is different and God has given me the opportunity to experience camp all over again, in a much better state of mind.  

So there you go.  That sums up my life until my Bible College years.  It was then that I really started to gain an understanding of, and relationship with God.  And through those years God has changed me.  I have had a chance to work on those social skills I obviously did not have growing up and I feel like I've gone through a second adolescence, a second chance to grow up.  And here I am now, trying to make the most of my second chance at this abundant life I've heard so much about.

4 comments:

Unknown said...

There are many aspects to your stories that I can relate to and I'm surprised by that. I had similar feelings at social gatherings that I was not as good as everyone else and/or I just didn't fit in. I can also remember watching people become best friends/exchange addresses after knowing each other for only a few days and thinking how horribly false it was. I had a class camping trip that I was far too nervous to go on, so for a whole week I had to continue going to school by myself and help the teachers even when there was no class. After I graduated HS I went to Bible College where I was forced to live in a dorm and eat my food in a cafeteria with strangers, I can remember thinking that it would be the best part of college and I'd make friends quickly but it turned out to be a nightmare at least for the first few months.

As I read through your entries I keep wondering what made you so fearful of others and yet maybe I just need to look at my own life for the answers? I assume there's NOTHING about you or I that makes us any less important then others and why would they be judging us anymore harshly then the next person. What made me different is that I had a lower self-esteem then most people and so I thought that everyone felt the same way about me as I felt about myself, make sense?

FYI: As I continue to read such deep, personal info about your life I am starting to feel a connection with you, and yet we've barely spoken to each other. I was afraid this would happen and so I was somewhat reluctant to read your blogs in the first place but.....

Clinton said...

When I went to CBC it really was the best and worst of times. For the first half of the year I kept myself busy with every activity I could, basketball, volley ball, puppets, etc..., while still managing to avoid social situations. I lived in my room otherwise. The beginning of my recovery was finally admitting to people I had a problem and asking them to help me. I was genuinely surprised when they took me up on it. The second half of my year was amazing, and I'm really thankful for all the great accepting people I got to know during this time.

I can't say there was ever an event as a child that changed me. It was more like a light switch. One day I was up, and the next I was down.

Blogs can be deeply personal. I know I have made friends through them, and got to know people better than I would have if left to traditional social devices. But they are only a part of the whole picture, so as much as I want this blog to be me, at best, it's just a distorted reflection. We'll talk

Unknown said...

What a great idea asking people to help you, did they ever overdo it with the help? I spent alot of time in my room at college but then people would come in and talk to me so I never had to leave it, I had a really comfy couch/bed and a beautiful view of the mountains!

Why is it a "distorted" reflection? Yes I would like to talk, where and when?

Clinton said...

No one overdid anything. It was just right, just what I needed. I am extremely thankful for the perfect mix of people and opportunities CBC offered me.

And I guess what I am saying is this blog is only a part of who I am, and even it isn't perfect. My words may carry different connotations to the reader than they do to me. We all tend to insert pieces of ourselves and our experiences into the blanks left by the writer. You may see me completely differently than the next person who reads these entries, even though you are reading the same words. I hope I am honest enough and clear enough that the difference is negligible though.