Cumulative

It all adds up.

Truer words have never been spoken.

A final product is the result of cumulative steps.

I always wanted to play the piano. I'm not sure why. I remember as a kid playing "air" piano on a long drive home from Calgary with my dad in his old orange truck. Stevie Wonder's version of That's What Friends Are For was on the radio. As best as I can recall, I played "air" piano and sang that song over and over for at least an hour after the song ended on the radio. I wonder how good a piano player I could be today if I started taking lessons back then. That's a quarter century of practice. I'm sure I'd at least be decent.

I'm amazed how well I play the guitar. I know I'm not the greatest, but I remember the first time I picked up a guitar. I was 13, in grade 8, in my French teacher's classroom, over the lunch hour. I couldn't strum. I could barely hold down a string without fretting out. My pinky had no co-ordination. I had no musical theory. I joke that I managed to cram 2 years of lessons into 2 decades. I would never have imagined back then the skill level I would have today. I can jam. I can solo. I can improvize. I can learn and improve and entertain. All because of the cumulative effects of a few lessons and a few practice sessions over the years. Had I really worked hard at it, I'm sure I could be light years ahead of my ability at the moment, but, nonetheless, I'm decent.

Unfortunately, I've learned other things over time as well. I learned early on in my childhood to fear rejection, people, relationships, affection, physical contact. And unfortunately those experiences were just as cumulative as learning to play the guitar. I "learned" I wasn't worthy of relationships, that no one could like the real me, and that I would be isolated and alone for the rest of my life. Unfortunately I learned those lessons very well. It's only been recently that I've actively and intentionally embarked on a new path. I'm undoing the cumulative damage from my past. I'm gaining small victories in my life. One at a time. And they are cumulative too. I wish I started this a long time ago, but I suppose it's better late than never. Areas of my life I thought were closed up forever are beginning to open again.

I think the thing I learned, and am learning daily, is that possibilities beyond what I thought were possible even a short time ago, are well within my reach. All I had to do was reach for them.

While I was practicing the guitar one day a guy showed up in my classroom. I think he was a former student. He whipped out one of the guitars and started playing a song I had never heard before by a band I didn't know anything about, except that they were evil. Back then I never could have imagined that all these years later I could be rocking out on my guitar playing that exact same song just as skilfully, if not more so, than that guy who walked into my classroom. I'm curious to see what other things I will accomplish in the future that I couldn't even comprehend in my past.

That, Which Cannot Be Named

I'm in an interesting situation where I have things to share but haven't yet.

So, I wanted to write a post saying I have things to share but haven't yet.

The last year, or more like the last 10 months, I have intentionally scaled back on blogging personal items. Instead, I focussed more on thoughts and ideas and facts. That may change again. I've worked through a lot of personal items and have been itching to write about them a lot this year, in a similar style to how this blog started almost 3 years ago. Maybe I will go back to my roots soon.

Randoms

Crazy busy. But good busy. Busy living life. I still need to catch my breath sometimes.

I work Monday to Friday, 8 to 5.
C&C on Mondays.
Youth group on Tuesdays.
Small Group on Wednesdays.
Softball on (mostly) Thursdays and other assorted days of the week.
Church Sunday morning.
Beach Volleyball Sunday night.
Renovate a house in my free time.

A couple weeks ago, at youth group, we had a very interesting discussion. We usually break into groups of guys and girls and separate for 15 minutes to talk about what God has been doing in our lives. Usually its like pulling teeth. If more than 2 kids share anything its a miracle. This particular night we went well beyond our 15 minutes. Usually after 15 minutes we play games, do some sort of devotional, have a snack, etc. This night we kept talking. We talked long enough that the youth pastor came to get us. We waved him off. We kept talking. He came back a little while later to inform us that it was snack time. We kept talking. He came back a little while later to let us know parents were arriving to pick up their kids. We ended. It was really cool to see a discussion about God with a bunch of 12 and 13 year old boys carry on for over 2 hours. I liked that.

I bought new shoes. Not a big deal. I'm rather indifferent to shoes. They are utilitarian. I am usually a jeans and T-shirt guy and my shoes tend to be a cheap pair of runner/sneakers. But I ran an experiment. I went to a specialty shoe place. I bought the most expensive pair of shoes I have ever owned in my life (which isn't really saying too much). They were grown up shoes. I have never really owned a pair of grown up shoes, if you don't count the standard black dress shoes. The results were immediate. As in women immediately started complimenting me on my shoes. I don't know how they know, but when a guy buys expensive shoes, they know. I bought a second pair shoes. For work. They were probably more expensive than the first pair. I don't want to look at the bill. I bought them in conjunction with a bunch of clothes for work. The first night I wore them women were flocking to me, to compliment me on my shoes. I'm noticing a trend.

Last Saturday I saw Paul Brandt.
Last Saturday I met Wendel Clark.
Last Saturday I danced.

I remember it looking kinda like this...

Although it may have looked more like this...

I think its time to break out my bike for the Summer.

Work is crazy. Crazy busy. Crazy awesome.
I am in the middle of bidding on a contract worth over 5 million dollars.
I prepared information for our stock holders meeting.
I re-aligned our shifts to save $18 000 annually.
I am entering the midst of a major expansion of the division I oversee and may be a part of a major restructuring and branding initiative.
I can't believe I'm allowed to do this.
Of course I couldn't believe I was being paid to fly an airplane either.

And the house... will be finished by the end of the month!
Hopefully.

Proverbs XVII

You can't win if you don't play the game.
If you choose not to play the game, you are choosing not to win.
So play the game.

Confidence

For various reasons, confidence is important. I'm sure I'll discuss some of those reasons in future posts.

Confidence is the knowledge that the odds of succeeding are in your favour.
The more the odds are in your favour, the more confidence you have.
Confidence is gained by experiencing success.
The more successes you have, the more confidence you will have.

If you are not confident, and I was not confident in many things for much of my life, I recommend you start small. Find small challenges to gain small victories. It becomes cumulative. The more successes you have the more successes you will have. That's why successful people seem to get all the breaks and those "down on their luck" continue in a downward spiral. There may be brief interruptions along the way but the trend will always be in the direction you are progressing. I believe this applies to any area of your life you want to apply it to. I've been working on it for several months now and it seems to be proving true.

Do I dare expand the experiment?

Proverbs XVI

Consequences have Actions

The Experiment

I've been running a sociology experiment the last 2 months or so.
I won't bother to explain the details. They don't matter... yet.
I won't bother to explain the plan. It will be evident in time.
I'm not even going to share my conclusions.
In fact, I'm going to tell you that every "event" may have been the result of correlation, not causation.
In other words, maybe it's all just co-incidence.

The Experiment

I've been learning what it means to be a man. I think, over the course of this blog, that's been the undercurrent of what I've shared in this space. It's the unifying theory that ties this whole thing together. I've always said that this blog was to allow the reader to get to know me. I think it was also to let me get to know myself. Who am I? I am a man. I want to be a Godly man. I want to be the man I believe God created me to be. And for the last 2 months, that's what I've tried to be. I didn't try to "act" like a man, although occasionally, that's how it started in some situations. I tried to be the man I felt I should be, free of outside expectations, but with the realization that outside expectations may respond, negatively or positively to the man I was becoming.

So what did "being a man" look like? I'm not saying. That's my secret. I'm sure you can figure it out for your self.

The Results

I wasn't sure what to expect. I honestly just thought I may gain some self confidence. That did happen but that was just the beginning. Maybe a lot of the "events" that happened during this time would have happened anyway. Maybe not. What I did notice is that people started giving me a lot more respect. They deferred to me more often. They complimented me more often. Men acknowledged me more often than I was used to. Women as well. But in different ways. Professionally, I received opportunities I would have never thought possible.

Men would seek out my opinion.
Some made comments such as, "Have you been working out?" (And no, I haven't)
Women seemed to be much more giggly and bashful and blushing around me. (More than I am used to)
Friends and co-workers have been lining up to fix me up with their "hot" friends. I have had about 4 or 5 offers to fix me up with someone, and that's not counting a couple of women at church plotting to fix me up as well. I have no idea how their nefarious plans are progressing. (One of their husbands gave me advanced warning)
I have just been offered a new position at work which provides me with a better schedule and the opportunity for advancement beyond what I thought was possible. I accepted. I am now managing a segment of a company worth over $10 million, with over 40 employees. It is a subsection of a company worth approximately $100 million dollars that has been named one of Canada's 50 Best managed companies. This is an opportunity I would not have expected for at least another 10 years.
My spiritual life seems... better, if that makes any sense.
I am happier.
I am more confident.
I am more of my self.

Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.

One Word, Two Vantage Points

Tired

Dear Diary,

I've been off from work for almost 4 weeks and I'm so tired. I'm looking forward to going back just so I can take a break from everything I've been doing. It's been a good 4 weeks. I had some minor elective surgery, started attending a new C&C group, a new small group, youth group and a lot of smaller social gatherings in addition to completely renovating my house. I'm taking this afternoon off to do nothing. It feels good. Really good. I'll have to remember to do this more often.

The Red Pill

Morpheus: I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice. Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Neo: You could say that.

Morpheus: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he's expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Why not?

Neo: 'Cause I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know, you can't explain. But you feel it. You felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there. Like a splinter in your mind -- driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo: The Matrix?

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?

(Neo nods his head.)

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. (long pause, sighs) Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.

(In his left hand, Morpheus shows a blue pill. A red pill is in his right hand.)

Morpheus: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember -- all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.

(Neo takes the red pill and swallows it with a glass of water. Neo passes out and wakes up aboard the Nebuchadnezzar.)

Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real. What if you were unable to wake from that dream. How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?

Neo: This can't be. Am I dead?

Morpheus: Far from it.

Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: You've never used them before.